Babaji’s journey of Self Realisation – Conversations at Potala guest house, Rasuwa, Nepal

It was on the evening of 25.June.2019 that Babaji gave an account of his journey to self-realisation. The assembled group of 37 devotees had undertaken the holy Kailash Mansorvar yatra with Babaji. They heard the story from Babaji and his elder brother Vishal.

Babaji: ….Colours were spread all over the room… They asked Swami, ‘Who will clean this?’ The room was filled with colours as was the bed. Babaji went upstairs to have food and then sat thinking ‘Well, Swami has spread colours in the room. Others will not help (the responsibility of cleaning the room is with Babaji for the last 15 years]. It takes an entire day to clean and Babaji gets tired cleaning the room. The bed is full of colours as are the photographs, the floor and every object in the room. Just imagine what the scenario would have looked like. And I [Babaji] sat thinking to myself ‘I cleaned the room, people have come with plates full of colours and now Swami has spread colours all over the room. So I came downstairs with the bhog [offering of food to God]’. There was a message from Swami that read ‘Please provide a table fan. I will clean the room myself. Tomorrow is the day for cleaning’.

The table fan was placed and the door was closed. The fan is running and the colours were flying out from the door. And the mix was automatically being separated into their individual colours.  Babaji ‘It is only God who can do this. All the colours which were mixed, now stood separated. There were Rangolis on the floor. The entire room was neat and clean. This was indeed a beautiful experience’.

People used to come and keep photos (of different deities). All were asked to take back their respective photos.

Vishal(elder brother of Babaji): Let me narrate another experience, which Babaji will not share by himself. I cannot explain what that divine phenomenon was but when Babaji would walk, his feet would be covered in kumkum. When he would walk, we would witness dry fruits falling from Babaji’s heels – almonds, cardamom, raisins and cashews. People would be running behind to touch Babaji’s feet and seek blessings. One day Babaji asked Swami to put a stop to this. Initially, all of us were scared. Swami sent a message saying, ‘Don’t be afraid, this is My leela’.

Once a lady came to our house. Her child was rather unwell, hence she asked Babaji for Prasad. Babaji went to the temple (in their house) and got back some prasad (offering) for the lady. She refused, saying that she wanted Babaji to produce Prasad manifested by Him. She said, I do not want this prasad (offering) that people have given, I want Swami to give me prasad. She continued her insistence during Bhajans as well. And spontaneously, Babaji said ‘take’ and a heap of mixed dry fruits appeared out of nowhere and fell on the lady’s lap.

Babaji: Initially, these manifestations would happen spontaneously without my intention or control. One day my brother, Rishi, was teasing me that he would make a rose appear out of thin air for me. I said to him, ‘I will give you a rose and as I put my hand forward (making an action of giving something) a large rose appeared from nowhere in my hand. Even I was taken aback and ran away from there’. Rishi has preserved that rose till date.

There is a photo of Swami in which He has held a rose in His hand. One day a boy came and kept a cake saying ‘Swami, it is my birthday, please Bless me’. The exact same rose – same colour, shape and size – appeared on the boy’s cake.

Vishal: Early mornings, we used see rose petals spread on Swami’s bed. They would appear from nowhere and the entire room would be enveloped with that fragrance.

Babaji: These miracles that I am talking about – everyone in Himachal knows about them. They know that there is a house in Kangra with a Sai Temple, where all these miracles have taken place.

Vishal: One of the years, Shivratri was approaching. It was around 8th or 9^th March.

Devotee: Are there diaries?

Vishal: There are lots of diaries.

Babaji: How did this all begin? Swami had written on the wall that all of you should spend time in dhyana (meditation). None of knew what dhyana was. I must have been studying in the 10^th grade then. None of us were serious about dhyana. We thought, we just need to sit with our eyes closed. Five months passed since the message had appeared. There is a saying that the things happen at the right time. Dhyana is a big thing – we would close our eyes for five to ten minutes and then come out of the room.

Vishal: I sat for Dhyana one day. By then Devi’s idol had come home. We turned off the lights, closed the door and sat for Dhyana. After about seven to ten minutes, I opened my eyes to see how he [Babaji] is doing Dhyana. I saw that Babaji’s eyes were closed. I closed my eyes and then I heard a lion roar. I saw that Babaji’s eyes were closed and he was meditating. It was such a frightful noise, I ran away from there. It was almost as if I got a heart attack. From that day, I resolved never to sit in Dhyana, no matter what. This is not for me, I am better at helping in the kitchen.

Devotee: Where did the sound come from?

Vishal: It came from inside the room. Babaji told me to open the door and look inside.

Babaji: When I used to go into Dhyana, there was a small box on the shelf on the wall. That box used to fall on my head – and my meditation would break. Until that point, nothing could disturb me. I cannot share my first experience as it is very personal. Usually one needs to give an examination and then one receives the result. However, here, we knew the result beforehand, but had to give the exam nonetheless. When the result is known, the examination is much more difficult. It is difficult because the questions are not given. One needs to search for the answers as well as the questions. The situation is such that if one thinks ‘I will find the questions and the answers, then one will not be able to find the answers. However, once there is complete acceptance that you [God] are the one who gives both the questions as well as the answers, things become simple.’

In 2006, Swami had given a message that it is time to move beyond miracles (e.g. manifestation of Vibhuti). Look for Swami within. These manifestations are only a means to an end – they are to develop faith in people and bring them towards the path of spiritual seeking. It is not the case that people will believe things in the first instance. It is natural for doubts to come – nobody can control the mind. This cycle of belief and doubt (whether the manifestations are real or merely a trick) will continue. But you should move beyond all of this. Swami slowly reduced miracles and gave more weight to His messages. Swami’s writing continued – they kept writing.

It is difficult to imagine the messages and their depth. Even the way of writing is so unique and beautiful. One has to read them to understand. There is such speed, that in 15 minutes, Swami writes 100 pages. On the 10^th of February, every year, Swami’s message (50 – 60 pages long) comes.

The period from 2006 to 2010 was filled with tests and trials. I was studying while continuing with spiritual practices. I kept going deeper into Dhyana. But I cannot tell you how difficult that period was. Let me share one of the conversations. There is one question that everyone in this world has. Anyone who has taken birth will have this question – I do good things but why is it that bad things happen to me? Whereas, the other person does wrong things, but only good things happen to that person. What is the reason for this?

Swami said that I can give you many answers that might satisfy the mind. Yet, these answers are not the ultimate Truth. The question itself needs to be looked at closely. Let me give you an analogy. Rama was considered the ideal purusha or the epitome of righteous conduct. However, he did not do justice in the case of his wife. Everyone knows that in the story, the earth split and Sita went underneath. However, what nobody knows is this – what must have been going on in the mind of Rama at that point in time? Who can possibly write that? One can narrate the story, but nobody can tell you the circumstances or the pain that led people to undertake the actions they did.

Therefore the nature of the question itself needs to be examined. Nonetheless, Swami gave a beautiful answer. He said think of a weighing scale. Whatever side has more weight, goes down and whichever side is lighter goes up. The side which is up can be seen easily (from a far distance) but not that side which has gone down. Therefore, when you do good deeds, the bad karma becomes lighter. Therefore, when we do good deeds, the bad part becomes lighter, it becomes more noticeable. Hence we get the impression that I am doing good deeds, but bad things are happening to me.

It was in 2005 that Swami said that I am everywhere. And when you pray, I will come to answer those prayers. He also said that three types of people will come to you. The first will believe that this is Swami who is doing the writing and eating etc. The second type will be those who will say that this is an act being done by these people. The third will be caught in between (their minds will waver).

As you progress in meditation, you will be able to read the minds of people. When you understand their feelings, how will you be able to live with this knowledge? Assume that you love someone a lot. However that person doubts me. How will you deal with such a person?
Swami said that this path is not easy. If the path was easy, would not everyone walk that path? In life, the most difficult path is that of spirituality. I simply surrendered and kept saying ‘Yes’ to everything that Swami asked. My path is not one where I am imposing constraints or chains on you. This is the path of being completely free. You are free to do and think whatever you wish. However, when my work is there, you will have to do it. I will work, but you will have to face the world. This is because you will be seen to the world. This type of dealing is not easy.

He is the doer, but the consequences are faced by another person. God is not a businessman, but in a way, He is a businessman. He knows how to strike deals. Swami showed the path. However, only when the time comes, does one understand the truth.

What was my situation? Think about a seed (we have all seen a seed). Is it possible to understand beforehand the size of a tree that is contained in that seed? Or the number of flowers that the seed contains? Does anyone know this? Until that seed is sown in the ground, it will not blossom. And then a large tree will emerge from it. A seed contains life within it. When a small seed, meets the earth, how large it becomes! And the seed needs to meet the earth. (…and the spiritual journey is no different…) otherwise what is truly inside of you will not express itself.

We take a seed, add water, fertiliser and bury it in the soil. Until it is buried, how will it grow? For us, the testing period plays the same role that the earth plays for the seed. Only then we truly blossom.

So this how I experienced that time of testing. I was ready to work.

What is this ‘work’ that I am talking about? In today’s day and age, we can give everything, but we cannot give time (or undivided attention where we are truly listening). For instance, if someone asks us for two minutes of our time, we may agree. However, we are not truly listening to what they are sharing with us. In the days to come, nobody will have time to give, not even for themselves. Therefore the meaning of ‘work’ is to completely surrender to His will. You may be very tired, may have not slept the entire night and some people come to meet you. You will have to listen to them, their pain and help them through their suffering.

Initially, I thought that everything will be smooth sailing and I will have all the luxuries of life. This was my ego. Until the time, this ego(my ego) was there, I was facing the consequences. I cannot tell you how much difficulty I had to undergo. Everyone has difficulties in their life. But that time in my life (when I was 15 or 16 years old) was very difficult. I did as Swami said. I also found people who loved me a lot and they will continue to be with me. So time moved forward and I would sit in meditation for 10 to 12 hours a day. I would start in the morning and when I would open my eyes, it would be evening.

Once when someone reaches this level – what does it mean to reach a high level? Some of the practices of Dhyana are secret in nature. They cannot be told just like that – I could tell you, but then that would be insulting the practice. This is because you are not ready for that. Therefore there are set a rules and a proper time when the secrets of these practices are revealed to the sincere aspirant.

There came a time, it was February 2011, when someone in Puttaparthi wrote a book ‘Shiv Sai, Prema Sai’. The book only talks about miracles (in Kangra). I had requested the author not to write the book. Yet, the person wrote the book. In 2009, Swami also blessed the book in Kodaikanal – there is a video of this. The people from Prashanthi had asked for proof of blessings prior to publishing the book. Swami had sent a message “come to Kodaikanal, where He blessed the book’. So the book was published and it is available in the Prashanthi library. So the Hindi version was published in Indore (Swami’s Hindi publication team is based there).

The book became very popular in Indore and news about the publication spread. As more and more people read the book, they came to know about the miracles. […I cannot tell you how the world is…especially this inner nature of humans…]. People have a tendency to put you on a pedestal and shower praise on you. But this praise is to gain something (only for their selfish motives). And their words flatter you so much, that one would think they will build palaces and thrones of gold for you. At that time I liked the attention – I will not lie. I felt they will do something for me. 

I was not planning to go to Indore. I felt out of place with the thought of visiting these people who were so rich. But then the people insisted so much, I went. I was not expecting that they will be waiting to honour me – people were waiting with garlands and bouquets. I could clearly see that this is just a show.

If you want to ask questions, then ask them on their face. Before you praise someone, give them a slap. And then see how much patience they have in them. I had no such expectations. We went there, phone calls with complaints started coming.  If someone comes to my place, my entire family takes care of them. In Indore, people were calling and demanding that I should be thrown out. And our hosts were talking behind our back.

If you have come with me and developed faith in me, then will you listen to what the world tells you? Where is your own sense of discernment? And if you had no faith in me, why did you keep coming repeatedly to me? This means that there is something missing within you.

During the last day, Swami shared a message, in the home of Makarand Kalyani. Swami said that I will create such circumstances that everyone will be blown away, except those who I have chosen. I do not want anyone’s company. No election, only selection. We came back home to Kangra. People had spread false messages about me. In Prashanthi it was written that ‘this boy asks others to worship him. He claims to be God’. The book was banned. People used to ask me such questions for which I had no answers.

I was scared because after doing so much Dhyana, I was empty from inside – so I wondered what was it that I did for 5 years? Did I just waste my time? The pain from these thoughts were bothering me. On that day, I went inside Devi’s temple told everyone that I am locking the room from within and will not come out. That morning tears came from my mother’s eyes. And seeing that killed me from within – I asked myself what have I done? I was so scared that I could not digest food. Only Shri.Makarand Kalyani brother stood by me at that time. I could not even understand what it is that I was afraid of.

One day before Swami gave the last darshan in Prashanthi, I was there. And I will regret what I said until this day. I told Swami ‘You go from this world’. That day the anger within me had crossed all limits. I accept this in front of everyone that I said those words. Does not God say – you are mine say whatever you want to say to me. ‘You go from this world. You will not be able to handle these people. All these people around you are no saints. I am going through such pain but you are nowhere to be seen. What have I done wrong? Is it wrong to speak the truth or to love people selflessly? Was I wrong to give the message of the five things that you speak about to people? If I have done wrong, then finish me right here, right now. Or please go from my house. I had not come to call you in 2004 asking you to connect with me. You came here to this house, connected me to Sai devotees – whatever has been done, has been done by you. But now my life is ruined. I said whatever was there in my mind. There was no reply from God.

The next day 25 March Swami raised his hands, gave darshan and the next day I learnt that he has    been hospitalised. I went to the Devi temple on 25^th March and told the Mother, ‘Finish me today. I have been going through so much and not a single person is with me. What did I get by doing so much Sadhana? My mind is not at peace. I have been accused of hoarding wealth (through illegal means) and I have ashrams in several places. People in Puttaparthi were convinced that I have ashrams. I said please come to my house and search – if you find money you can take all of it. That way even I will know where money is (if at all).

I said to Devi ‘You kill Asuras. So please kill me, because there is no person who is as bad as I am in this world. I cried the entire day. I kept my head at the feet of the Devi. And that day, I [my ego] died.’ My mind started spinning in such a way (which is an experience of self-realisation)…

Swami said that to remove one thorn, you have to use another thorn. I gave you this pain so that in the time to come, you truly understand the pain that others are going through. If I keep you in comforts all the time…how will you know what pain is… In the time to come people who are in pain will come to you.

The experience of self-realisation is momentary, but what happens after that is, who you truly are from the inside, emerges. After that everything changed. But yes, that was a difficult period.

Vishal: After that the old Titu was no more. ‘Titu’ is Babaji’s nickname. His way of speaking, his attitude, everything changed.

Babaji: Look at my older photos and current photos. You will say this is not the same person. Even my classmates find it hard to recognise me.